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The Illusionary Power of the Narcissist or NPD
How very ordinary – dare I say simple – people – are given permission to destroy worlds
Well beloved ones, we are indeed living in extraordinary times and one of the things that I am hearing – with increasing frequency and disbelief – is the comment that “the crazies are getting crazier” and the comment “I can’t do them anymore”
I am sure many reading this, are saying a resounding YES at this moment.
What do I mean by the narcissist or NPD [narcissistic personality disorder]. We encounter them everywhere and they are growing in number and intensity as we approach the collapse of civilisation. We find them in families, in siblingships, in business partnerships, they can be employees or employers, they can be masquerading as friends, lovers, they can be in romantic partnerships – and most toxic of all – they can be parents.
This is the person well known to many. Pretending to be charming and caring – attentive and doting – clever and concerned. When in truth they are controlling and ruthless, self-absorbed and self-obsessed, destructive and toxic. Where all other people who exist in their world – exist only – I repeat only – in terms of what they can provide – in terms of fuel – to the predator narcissist [referred to as NPD from here on in]. This includes everyone – all of those outlined in the paragraph above – including most damaging of all – their own children.
Once you have been burned by one of these beings – and the lessons are usually traumatic and painful – intense and insanity inducing – through all the usual tricks – you will – ever after – once you have recovered and escaped [and yes that is the word] – spot them from a mile away – and be well armed and well informed on how to deal with them from there on in. But until that burning and recovery – all are susceptible to the NPD’s manipulations – and when they are finally exposed and driven off – they simply go and find new people and start it all again. For they cannot exist without drama and the emotional fuel it gives them. Their child cannot escape in this way this of course – and so again the damage is greatest here.
To those who see them – they are glaringly obvious – they stand out like the proverbial dog’s balls as it were. Their family members are very aware of them – afraid and confused – by their mood swings, their emotional, psychological and physical violence – isolated and alone in this – for the NPD’s are master manipulators of the dark arts – and while being unpredictable monsters in the house – gaslighting and storming – sulking and berating – pretending to be victims to or ‘survivors’ of – some made up psychic wound – in the outside world they are totally the opposite. Often described as charming, helpful, supportive, engaged – doing whatever is needed to gather secondary fuel to feed the false self of the narcissistic mirror – that I am the best – the best boss, parent, employee, friend, lover bla bla – whatever it is they have predetermined they need to be the best at.
All of the external fuel is usually temporary – until the mask slips regularly enough – that people start to recognise that all is not as it seems. However unless you are also a pathological liar – who lies in each breath as it were – then you do not see that the NPD is doing this initially. We do not see the world as it is – we see the world as we are, remember. Decent, honest, caring, people actually believe that other people are like that also – and so when someone comes along – telling bare faced lies, gaslighting, manipulating et al – then when they speak – you assume the NPD is telling the truth – which is how they spell bind the other – and so begins the long descent into chaos until it spirals and starts again. This is how they get away with it for so long – pretending to be one thing – while being totally other – and it is only when the mask slips and the other begins to see – does it implode and then they must start all over again. It is how people ensnared by them end up like the frog in the pot of the slowly boiling water syndrome.
For those on the receiving end of the NPD’s attention – the journey is painful, confusing, insanity provoking – until realisation, healing and escape. Never to be caught again once the inner wounds that brought the PN into their orbit are healed. For the children of the NPD the journey with them is catastrophic and many text books have been written to help children who had a narcissistic parent – although recovery is very uncertain – and requires years of trauma therapy before they can step away from the NPD parent and it is usually done as an adult when their own history of catastrophic relationships – that mirror the relationship they had with their controlling, micromanaging, resentful, full of narcissistic rage parent – that fucked with their head in very real and damaging ways.
As the realities are diverging – as the gulf between the awakening ones and the terrified sheep is growing – then to those awakening – the insanity of the rest is becoming increasingly transparent – as is the desire to have nothing to do with them. The bandwidth for such lunacy is diminishing rapidly – which makes it in some ways – easier to step back from. however it also means that the NPD will probably go into gaslighting violent overdrive to prevent you from escaping. Just be mindful of their games and you can continue to step away.
The thing to remember about the NPD is that they dwell in their own – unique – dare I say ‘special’ – reality – that has no relationship whatsoever with any reality that the rest of the world dwells within. The have a carefully constructed wall of mirrors around them – that only allows information in – that exactly mirrors the false self that they have created over time. Nothing that challenges that world view will be allowed in to cause psychic wounds – however when you learn to deal with them effectively – that wounding will pierce the wall.
So what are the chief characteristics of this very wounded personality type. Now understand that at the core of all mental health issues is narcissism or a wound to the authentic self. That leads to the divided self – the creation of the false self that must be protected at all costs – so that the NPD never gets to see itself as the perpetrator of madness – only the victim of unrecognised and unappreciated greatness and victim martyrdom. The standard neuroses that are brought to the table by these people are an excessive need for attention and admiration, a distinct lack of empathy [for they only see themselves and others only exist in terms of what they can do for the NPD], they are exploitative of others, they have an extraordinary sense of entitlement, a belief that they are special or chosen, they are envious of others, however project that out and believe others are envious of them, they are ignorant and arrogant and a grandiose sense of self importance.
They also have a rich fantasy life that is filled with their personal beauty, success et al. They need to be the alpha and omega of your existence. Their self importance and grandiosity insist on this. They cannot handle uncertainty. They are absolute control freaks and genuinely want your attention on them all the time and will rage when you stop. They need to control all aspects of your life – unpredictability is your friend here.
They will spread rumours [usually false] about you and your tribe, they will scream and shout in deranged ways when they don’t get what they want [constant], they focus on insults and imperfections, they are controlling and isolating, and will leave you walking on eggshells, a constant feeling of wrongness, questioning your own sanity, pulling away from family and friends, generally being miserable.
It usually begins early from a variety of sources, a narcissistic parent, trauma in the home, all the usual suspects. Well established by the teenage years the narcissistic patterning then continues unabated and requires several things in order to be interrupted and those things are rarely – unfortunately present. More on that later. The NPD tends to be popular and well liked initially as they make it their business to be so – until you fall from grace that is. It is important to remember they live in a fantasy world in which nothing is their fault. Gaslighting is common with these people in which they simply deny reality and challenge anyone’s perception of events that does not meet their fantasy view of self. They accuse their target of all the things they are doing however due to the pathology of the condition, they then believe their own lies and it is this that makes it pathological and difficult to reach. This causes great confusion in those around them who are living in a much more grounded reality usually – and one can spend years here trying to get it right – or to even understand what is happening – and this is not useful.
You can drive yourself mad trying to understand them and you cannot because you are not in their fantasy land. Take it as a back handed compliment that you cannot understand what makes them tick and stop trying to. I cannot recommend this highly enough. There are warning signs for when you first meet them. Again once you have been burned you will spot them a mile off and not be taken in again however here are some clues in the meantime. This matters – for in the current collapsing world they are genuinely getting worse while your tolerance for the BS is dropping dramatically.
The NPD tends to come on very strong very early in the piece. They can shower you with gifts, take you to expensive places and all they while that are keeping score so that the lament of ‘after all I have done for you’ can come into play. They tell other people of their grand gestures for they like to be seen to be generous when they are anything but. It is all calculated I assure you. It is never about you the person – it is all about them. This love bombing can seem overwhelming and creepy at times – pay attention to any early warning signs and get out early if you can. They are extremely charming and charismatic and it is their ability to manipulate you with that they love – not you personally. They tend to tell grandiose lies about their background and family. If you get the feeling it is too good to be true? Pay attention. They mostly hate themselves – which is why they build the mirrored false self and it is generally highly intolerant of any form of criticism – for terror it might get in and they are forced to see the self they hate – hiding behind the false self that they want to be.
When they are criticised, they will never back down, they will never accept they have done anything wrong, they will never apologise for anything they do or say because they never do anything wrong. They can get angry and obnoxious for days – and then when it is over – they pretend nothing happened and you will be punished again if you attempt to raise it – whatever it is. You will ultimately do everything that they want to keep the peace. They will control where and when you eat, holidays, birthdays – they will control it all. Then the fault finding starts to get personal and the person on the receiving end starts questioning themselves and their sanity. You can’t win here and usually far too much time is spent trying to resolve what cannot be resolved because they are living in an alternative reality – much better to recognise the signs early and get out.
Other clues are that they rarely have any long term friends – I mean if you were to believe the self adulation one would expect them to have many friends of old – but there tends not to be. Also conversations tend to be all about them – ad nauseum – and then it will finish with something along the lines of – well that’s enough of me talking about me – what do you think about me. Also they will do their best to isolate you from your friends and family – anyone who can insert reality into the situation or challenge the NPD – this is done subtly and powerfully – with complaints that family don’t like them [NPD] or that they [family/friend] are not good enough in some way.
If you find yourself in one of these situations with one of these NPD’s it is important for your sanity and peace of mind to get out at the earliest opportunity. If it is a boss – change jobs. If it is an employee – get rid of them. If it is a friend remove them from the list. If it is a family member set very clear boundaries. If it is a partner get out and be prepared for a war until they realise you mean it. If it is a child with a narcissistic parent – there is little to be done until you reach adolescence and hopefully the ‘non NPD’ parent can help you escape – then go into therapy early so you can have somewhat of a normal life once recovered.
So what do you do when you realise you are in this mess. First it is important to educate yourself as much as you can about what it is – and most importantly of all understand you cannot expect to use normal conversations or normal interactions to extricate yourself from them. It is essential to understand that they are living in a fantasy world entirely in which they do not see themselves in any way in reality – for they hate themselves. They have built a powerful false self and that is all they are allowing themselves to see – of perfect mother, perfect boss, perfect lover/partner, perfect employee, perfect son/daughter – with the greatest mind, the best beauty, the most dazzling skill set – whatever it is they tell themselves. It is not open to reason – and if you resist the urge to help them understand how mental they are you will save yourself a lot of heartache, money and time.
Once you understand what is going on – step back. Minimise all contact – unless you are a co-parent – this is the best option. If you are a co-parent – minimise all contact to an email contact once a week if required for the child’s wellbeing. Emergency situations are handled differently. The NPD requires a constant source of fuel – of emotional energy – it is why they regularly create grand dramas about absolutely nothing – so they can wind you up – get your upset and feed off you. Understand this and choose not to play. It is highly recommended that you get a bit of help here from someone who can remove emotional buttons that get activated by the NPD. Once the automatic emotional responses are removed you will find it much easier to stay calm in the face of their ridiculous outbursts and lies and manipulations. You are not dealing with rational, reasonable or normal here. I say it again because it matters and will help to step back when the games begin. Stay calm, remind yourself internally that whatever bile is being spewed it is about them speaking – not you who is being spoken to. Do not react.
A potent response to the insanity can be as simple as waiting until their lips stop moving [preferably not listening to the bile] and simply remind them of this – “that came out of your mouth – it is about you – not me – next time look in the mirror when you say that”. Remind them when their finger is pointed at your chest that one finger points out and three fingers point back. Change the word “you” to the name of the person speaking and that is the truth of what is being said. Another potent response when their lips have stopped moving can simply to wait a few moments while looking at them and then enquire – in a very sympathetic tone – “Are you OK?” It is also very potent to simply say to their lies and manipulations – very calmly – “that is not true” or “that did not happen”. Never attack back – never try to “one up them” as it were – simply stay calm and simply choose not to play the game. You can also say “that is not how I experienced it” or “it did not happen that way for me”. Or “we did not have that conversation” or “I remember it differently” You must learn to stay detached emotionally and then minimise all contact.
Never take responsibility for the things you are not responsible for. You are as a sovereign human being 100% responsible for everything you think, feel, say and do. You are not 1% responsible for anything they think, feel, say and do – despite their best endeavours to make their miserable existence your responsibility – do not accept it. Start reclaiming your life – do the things you enjoy doing and delete any thoughts of the NP – constantly – immediately – from your mind. Stop making excuses for their behaviour – remember whenever you are doing that you are swallowing anger as you were taught to do as a child. You are allowed to be angry at their awful behaviour. Anger is the emotion that says “enough” – that draws the line in the sand – that says “this is where I start and you stop” – it helps you set clear boundaries and this is an essential part of walking away. It can be a good idea to document everything for a while or especially in child custody cases.
Do not justify yourself to them on any level. No explanations. Do not respond to any “why” questions – they come from the other’s critical parent and will immediately have you feel defensive and making excuses for yourself. This is your own adaptive child answering and it will never help. Instead stop – wait – and then ask a what, where, when or how question. “what are you trying to achieve here” “where are you going with that line of questioning” “how do you think that question helps the situation”. This can snap them out of the critical parent – even temporarily – for only the ego state of adult can answer logical questions. It is important to stop thinking emotionally. This can lead to further narcissistic rage for you have exposed the reality that they are not omnipotent and this terrifies them.
The NPD’s greatest fear is abandonment – that others will see how truly fragile their world is – and walk away. This creates a narcissistic injury that will drive them nuts quite frankly. Do not personalise anything they say and do – even when they are pretending it is all about you – as above – it is all a projection with the mask nailed firmly in place. Exposure is dreaded – where they think people are onto them – it gets in and discombobulates them. They need to feel special and they only get that by controlling another in a totally dependant way. This is their fuel – so that when you step back – they start to lose control and go into a blind panic. If you can remain detached they will soon enough find someone else to fill the void and in some ways that is the best you can hope for – and accept whomever that poor soul is they have their own lessons to learn.
Never require anything from them in any way. No favours. No requests. This matters. Staying calm and Zen every step of the way. It is important that you reduce the NPD’s significance in your life. It is powerful for you and may trigger a narcissistic wound in them – thus having them start a smear campaign against you – but they have been doing that for awhile anyway. If people report back to you about this – stay Zen and don’t react at all. Simply say – “I have heard they have been reduced to this. It is very sad and I hope they can get help”. Then immediately change the subject. This helps new neural pathways to be laid down.
The thing to understand with the NPD is this. They cannot easily change. For healing of this deep wound that leads to these toxic behaviours – three things need to occur. One – they need to accept they have a problem. This never happens – as they see themselves always as the victim – blaming others – they are rather stupid really – however it is always someone else’s fault so they never accept they are the ones with the problem. Two – they have to be highly motivated to change. This never happens as in number one and secondly they also perceive themselves as all powerful and so why would they give that up. Remember the one with all the power in the relationship is the one who doesn’t care. This is normally them because they have no empathy – however if you can behave in ways as though you don’t care you will regain control of your own life. The third thing that is required is about five years intensive psychotherapy – with an expert in the field of trauma and attachment – and again this does not happen for the reasons outlined in one and two.
So you can escape dear ones – and in the coming world you will need to do this. Have your support people around you – people who understand and will support you. It is usually only a few. It is time to put yourself first now. If you were caught in the web – then you have your own unresolved wounds that make you vulnerable to rescuing others – or some other form of co-dependency – sort it out – certain kinds of therapy work – and in this way you will avoid going there again. Do not discuss the NP with anyone except your close network of support. Be indifferent to the NP and all others who want to play or find out what is going on. Be the grey rock. Have very short responses in other words – just say yes, ahum, ok, or alright – to whatever they say. No other response – deny the fuel.
And have a good life – nothing distresses them more than you being happy and successful – it is truly the sweetest vengeance – requiring nothing from you and generating no karma.
For all caught in this – and it is rising – as the fear of the changing world is rising – and they have very poor coping skills at the best of times – I wish you every success in removing the NPD from your life – remember all of the above – read it as often as required for a reminder – get help as needed – and your life will truly unfold in new and powerful ways.